Chicken-and-Egg Problem

A: I see that you are a rich guy. Saw you driving expensive cars.

B: Yes. I am a rich guy. I’m rich in my mind. My mind is rich with knowledge and intelligence, which can bring me to success and wealth. A rich mind, rich and every other places.

A: I’d prefer to be rich in material wealth, like money. Because not everybody is born with an intelligent mind. Even if you are intelligent, how many professors are millionaires? Instead, if i born rich with cash, i can buy all the rich minds in the world and make me rich in all aspects.

Curiosity Kills the Cat (Fun with English Quotes)

One day, the cat was curious. So, it jumped of a building in search for answers and killed…

Library for the Mute

Library for the mute is the perfect place for the mute to socialise, communicate and make friends. It’s like a pub for the mute…

String of Bad Luck

A check-list of bad luck:

1. Lost my wallet
2. lost my cash
3. lost my identification card
4. lost my driving licence
5. lost my ATM card
6. lost my ID
7. Drove 400km on half-patched torn tires
8. Lost my car keys in a cave (and found it)

The first 6 items can be categorized as one. And all those are lost when i'm 400km away from my home. They said i should report to the cops and wait for my belongings to return, by any luck, in 7 to 10 days.

So for that 10 days, i had been walking and driving around the streets without any identification documents and driving recklessly without a driving licence. I even drove out during the holy hour, 3a.m., and drove pass some police check points. Thankfully, i have a good faith and the cops could see that. They take a look at my face and in the car and let me through. Or else, i'll spend a night in the lock-up, which is something i have yet to experience.

On point number 7, i was suppose to travel 400km northwards. I sent my car for maintanence 4 days prior. What seemed to be a minor maintanence became a major operation. My engine radiator cooling pipings are all leaking suddenly. So the system had to be fixed and it cost me time and i missed an appointment. Then, when the car finally start to move, i spotted a puncture. That was during the evening.

I managed to reach a tire shop just before it closes. It was found the the tires are worn out badly and too thin to be patched. For a last ditch attempt to get the car going, we made a risky move: patch the punctured tire from the inside. For the next 400km, i prayed that the tire will not puncture again mid-way.

Then, i got my tires changed upon reaching my destination. Then, i joined an expedition through a cave. I only keep my car key with me because it is not possible to carry lot's of stuff and climb through the cave. I checked my pocket after every distance i walked. Until one point, i lost the key. The entire troupe had to go back and search for the key. I safe this part to write in another posting, it's a pretty interesting experience.

Now the wave of bad luck has gone, i have some new experience. Let's hope bad luck doesn't get worse if ever there is a second wave...

Garfield and a Cat

One day, Garfield was eating. Then came a hungry cat. What will the cat say to Garfield?

 

 

Answer: MEOW~~~

Driving

A: I'm driving my Beemer to travel with you guys.

B: and i'm driving my little Perodua MyVi.

A: Oh, at least it's something. My Beemer is under-powered. Does not have enough power. And my rear tyres are not in good condition. So, don't drive too fast. We need to drive together.

B: If that's the case, i'll be driving until you can't even smell the fumes of my exhaust!

A: Why? Can't you slow down?

B: That's because you'll be infront and I'll be behind you, struggling with the piece-of-shit MyVi...

Prince And A Frog (Short Fairy Tale)

Once upon a time in a far far away kingdom, there was a Prince Charming who had everything. However, he was not a happy man. He ventured around his kingdom in search for happiness but time and time again he failed.

One day, he saw a frog on a pond. He made a long stare at the frog and pick-up. He kissed the frog and he suddenly became a frog.

Then, he lived happily ever after as a frog....

Once a Moron, Twice a Moron

This is a real incident. Two guys are bored and had nothing to do. So, one guy had a random thought to cure the boredom a little bit.

A: If i had a gun, i’ll point the gun at my head and pull the trigger.

B: Okay. So, what will you do after that?

A: *dumb struck* I said, i’ll pull the trigger of the gun into my head!

B: yeah~~. So, what you gonna do next?

A: Maybe you don’t understand. Let me show you what i meant. (holds a sign of a gun with his hands, points to his head and yelled). BANG!

B: oh….oh…okay. I understand. So, what will you do after that?

…

Point of View

One day in Malaysia, person A and B scrolls through the Astro channel in search of a good show. Then, he switched to sports channel where there is a live telecast of the Denmark Open doubles finals:

A: It’s the finals! *excited*

B: Who versus who?

A: I think it is Denmark vs Malaysia.

B: So, which is the Denmark pair, which is the Malaysian pair?

A: The ones with the weird names are the Danish. The ones with the normal and familiar names are our men, Malaysians.

At the same time on the other side of the globe, in Denmark. A two guys stumbled on a channel showing the doubles finals. They were excited but confused and they would say the exact same thing……

What Teddy Fuck (WTF): Can’t reach there himself

Ong Tee Keat vs. Chua Soi Lek

Ong: I am the MCA president. You, Chua, cannot challenge nor move me away.

Chua: You are incapable and you are not doing anything for the MCA. It is no use to sit on the position. I will call for VOTE OF NO CONFIDENCE!!

Ong: You are in no position to do so. Nobody will follow you because you had a SEXUAL AFFAIR! Who wants to follow a man who is in a sex scandal DVD, having sex with other young chick!

Chua: The sex scandal is a SET UP! Somebody had violated my privacy. Besides, at least i have made many contributions to society and people are willing to give me another chance. What about you? You have done NOTHING!

Ong: Who said i have done nothing. I have uncovered your secret SEX affair to expose the sinister side in you!

Chua: Oh~~~ So YOU are the one who taped the sex video and throw me out of MCA. I am going to TAKE ACTION AGAINST YOU!

Ong: (oops, i screwed up…)

(Recent EGM result was that Ong Tee Keat got voted no confidence and that Chua Soi Lek had failed to mount a challenge on Ong for the presidency post, not even the VP. However, Chua was voted back into MCA as a member.)

………

Patience

Crash of a Kind

I met an accident in my BMW 318i (E46). The following is a sequence of events of my accident.

1. Rushing for work. sprinting on the highway.
2. took the leftest lane and break hard upon a slow car.
3. spot a tight space at the middle lane. a chance to dash through to the right lane.
4. let go of brakes and turn right hard for a quick lane-switch.
5. rear tires lost grip.
6. fish-tail right towards right lane. attempt counter-steering manoeuvre.
7. car switch direction to the left. rear tires still failed to get into grips. fish-tails to the left.
8. Attempt counter-steering again but too late. crashed into the right side of a perodua kelisa at the middle lane.
9. car begins 360-spin clockwise. Attempt 360 steering manoeuvre for a controlled spin at the right lane.
10. car loses momentum at about 280 degrees. front end does not have enough momentum to spin back into place. dabbed the brakes, rear right wheel caught a knock on the centre highway divider.
11. car back in control.
12. parks on the left emergency lane and inspect damage.
13. Perodua Kelisa has the right part totalled. both right doors are damaged beyond operational conditions. B-pillar is slightly deformed.
14. my car, front left ‘facial’ damage. left lights, left dents on engine hood and left quarter panel, left part of bumper sheared and slightly deformed.

What i have learned:

I used to adore the Nissan 370Z. Since this crash, i don’t like the nissan anymore. If i were driving the Nissan, my front bumper might have thrown to the other side of the highway. I’ve become a loyal fan of BMW 3 series from then on.

Don’t buy a Perodua Kelisa. The body structure is really weak. If i failed to control the car properly or failed to minimize the damage, or a go out of hand at an even higher speeds, the structure could have collapsed.

Inspect your tires before travelling fast. If your mechanic says it’s worn out, he’s right. But i forgot about my worn-out rear tires. So, improve your memory.

Believe in unexpected fate. The guy i crashed is someone from JB. Nice guy. He’ll bring on a tour around JB or even get me a good hotel if i’m heading there for a holiday. by the way, JB is not as dangerous as what the newspapers said. It’s anytime safer than KL.

Not posting any pictures of the crash.

Editor’s Note (Joke)

I saw a comment of an anonymous reader. He/she/he-she was challenging the character of where i got the IQ of an apple from. Is it from some kind of a test of what.

I actually thought of it for a very long time. I knew i heard it from somewhere and i can’t remember….until recently.

Do you know where did i got the information of the apple having an IQ of 5?

Guess…

 

I got it from CARTOON NETWORK. XD

There was this advertisement in cartoon network about The Grim Adventures of Billy and Mandy. It compares the IQ of an apple and Billy’s. An apple has an IQ of 5, Billy has an IQ of –15…

So this is a joke i would like to share with you all without publishing this post as the character. But this whole blog is a joke anyway…..

So, have fun. All the best and i hope this blog would make you stupid and brighten up you day.

This is applestupid…

Quote of The Day

Pussy Love…..

(is it a quote or typo error…?)

Sex Dialogue

When a couple having Sex, they would say: Oh, God~~ Oh, God~~

What happens if a Muslim couple having sex: Ya, Allah~~ Ya, Allah~~

Bush Conspiracy Generator (my favourite)

My George Bush Conspiracy Theory

George W. Bush made Britney Spears lose custody of her kids so that The Jews, oil companies, Republicans, Ann Coulter, white men, SUV owners, and gun owners could offend Muslims.

Create your own at Buttafly.com

Enjoy....

Barack Obama Quotes

There is this system where you key in some terms into the system and it will generate a BARACK OBAMA QUOTE from the terms that you inserted. Here's my personal BARACK OBAMA QUOTES (3 different versions):

version 1

Generate a Barack Obama Quote!

"You know, there's a lot of talk in this country about bird-'s brain. Well I think Americans are tired of the same old morons. Ordinary Americans believe in lightning guns, they want less
assholes, they just aren't sure if their leaders believe in safe-sex."
Generate your Barack Obama quote at Buttafly.com

version 2

Generate a Barack Obama Quote!

"These people haven't had safe-sex for fifty years. So you can't be surprised if they get bitter and cling to their morons and their assholes and their dumb-fucks. That's what my campaign is about. Teaching all the little people in this country that they can have lightning guns."
Generate your Barack Obama quote at Buttafly.com

version 3

Generate a Barack Obama Quote!

"I think it's time we had a national conversation about bird-'s brain. We need to get past all the morons and recognize that we are our own best hope for overcoming dumb-fucks. We need lightning guns, not assholes. Lightning guns are our safe-sex. And we need to have change in bird-'s brain."
Generate your Barack Obama quote at Buttafly.com

Go try it yourself. Also, check out some other humour in buttafly.com.

Driving Safety Tips Part 1

The smartest man on the flat surface of the world is trying to make the world round.

This is some driving safety tips. Safety driving differs from driving safety tips. Safety driving focus more on how to drive safe. Whereas driving safety tips not only focus on safe driving techniques, also highlights some safety and security issues while on the road. For the sake of security, please read.

This post is written to provide some tips on how to keep yourself safe while on the road.

1) Drive Reasonably Faster

Yes. But no if i am encouraging you speeding. Drive reasonably fast means keeping your speed at optimum. Slow does not mean safe. Speed does not kill either. So keep your speed at optimum. The optimum speed is the speed which you subtract the maximum speed limit with roughly 10-30kph. Don’t drive too slow.

Let’s say the highway speed limit is 110kph. The optimum speed will be roughly 80-90kph. The reason for this is that many drivers will be driving pass the speed limit. If you are driving dangerously slow on a highway, you are at higher risk in getting hit from behind severely. Keeping your speed at optimum will reduce the chances of getting hit from behind and also easy to manoeuvre around traffic while at the same flow of traffic.

2) Look at the Rear View Mirrors Every 7-10 seconds

It may sound tedious, but how many moments does it take for a glance at the mirrors. Once you have done it routinely, your observations will be sharper and quicker.

The prime reason for this is to keep an eye on the traffic flow behind you. This is to give you a basic idea of rear traffic pattern in order to manoeuvre around easily in-case of emergency.

On top of that, you could notice any suspicious car following you. Glancing at the mirror often gives you chance to notice if there’s any crooks falling you around town to commit a crime against you. If you notice that, drive faster than reasonable speeds, be sharp and be careful. Drive towards the nearest police station or contact the police about the suspicious car tailing you around that area. This will prompt a nearby patrol car to escort you to your destination.

Glancing at the mirror also shows you how close is the car behind. Then, you will have to keep your distance with the cars in-front for more room for braking. Brake is smooth as possible, making use of the available braking space, so that the car behind have time to react and avoid a rear collision.

3) Never Stop When A Bump From Behind

The case is especially for drivers who drive alone often at NIGHT. Culprits commonly use the tactic of bumping you at the back so that you would pull over to inspect and discuss over damage payment. Once you have pulled over, the culprits will take action to rob you.

In relation to the second tip, pay some attention to your mirrors. Try to take note of any suspicious cars following you and how people are in the car.

A bump at the back will only cost you a bumper. So pay the damage yourself or pay for your life. DON’T PULL OVER unless a serious accident occurs. If a serious accident occurs such as high-speed collision, that is obviously not a culprit taking chances. Culprits will make a light but significant bump and they won’t damage their own vehicle badly because that is their only escape vehicle.

4) Look Around Before Entering/Exiting Your Vehicle

Before entering your vehicle, look around you for any suspicious people lurking nearby. Be prepared for any sudden attack. If you don’t feel safe, you have two options, walk to a nearest crowded place or move swiftly into the car and lock yourself in immediately.

Before exiting the car, look around you for any suspicious people lurking around. If you see any suspicious people, don’t get out of the car. Stay in the car and use your cell for help, be it police or your neighbour or your friends. You can also drive away to a safer place.

 

BE SHARP, BE ALERT, BE OBSERVANT, BE CAUTIOUS. DON’T PANIC, DON’T TAKE THINGS FOR GRANTED.

(Part 2 is coming soon…)

A Test of Brain

If you are smart, you can figure the answer for the following:



God has the power to create lives as well as destroy lives.


What do you get when you cross a dick with a gun?


Post your answers at the comments. The winner will get a reward!

Uneducated Triumph

There was this engineer who has 15 years of experience in project developments. He is extremely skilled and experienced as well as innovative in his design of custom built machines for various clients.

There was one of worker, a Bangladeshi, who is involved in building control boxes for machines. He taught that Bangladeshi how to built the control boxes according to the designs and arrangements. He showed how to fit the parts and that guy remembered them very well.

For the next weeks, he completed assembling 40 units of those control boxes. The engineer random checked a few of those boxes and was extremely impressed. He was very impressed that this Bangladeshi could produce such high quality work. All the control boxes were flawless and error-free. On top of that, the craftsmanship was very good. He was all praises with that Bangladeshi.

Until one day, he asked the guy,

“Mahon, measure the length of the piece of metal and give it to me.”

He got the measurement and realized that it was the wrong measurement. Clearly, the engineer was very angry. The Bangladeshi worker could not provide the correct measurement though it is a simple job. So, the worker got the scolding.

Then, the engineer was talking to another veteran worker of his company,

“Habibur, that Mahon fellow you have to teach him properly. He can’t even make simply measurements. Does he even know how to make measurements?”

“No,”Habibur said. “That guy can’t even read one, two, three.”

The engineer was stunned. He couldn’t believe the fact. So, he approached Mahon and wrote number ‘1,2,3.’

“Mahon, can you read these numbers?”

The Bangladeshi worker shake his head.

This man could produce very good craftsmanship could not even read simple numbers. He can’t even read his own native language. Yet, he is very intelligent and manage to produce high-quality craftsmanship.

This is not an extraordinary case. To the engineer, this is a norm. Virtually all his Bangladeshi workers are unable to read anything. Only the extreme minority are able to read.

This is a haunting truth for educated young people who bemoans a lot of petty things such as hair, pimples, tanned skin, girl/boyfriend problems etc. The young lads today used to complaining small details that didn’t even matter. Graduates from Malaysia many are educated, yet having attitude problems, thinking problems and are unemployable.

Let’s take a look at Mahon and reflect ourselves. He is one of the millions of Bangladeshi labour who came to Malaysia to seek more money. In their own country, they can’t afford education. These people, who lived in villages, started working at the age of 5.

Now, though he is uneducated and can’t even read, Mahon could produce high-quality craftsmanship, able to understand and adapt the machinery parts according to plans and analysis by himself, very quick to learn new things and practice them effectively, and unfortunately unable to voice his dissatisfaction simply because this is not his land. He is at no position to voice out.

He, along with other skilled but uneducated foreign workers, put a shame to many young generations who are educated yet not effective, still being spoon-fed by their parents. Some even save their part-time ‘promoter’ money to buy expensive phones and clothes to show off to their peers to be ‘hip’ and ín the trend’. For any little thing, they would bemoan. At the end of the day, they didn’t do anything impactful.

Start to feel humiliated. Start to reflect yourselves and compare your situation with Mahon. If Mahon is well educated, today he owns a multi-billion dollar business owner, or a pilot, or a professional engineer. He worked hard and triumphed over his hard-ship. What can you do if your situation suddenly changes into his.

Now stop moan and get rid of your laziness. Get up and start working hard for your future.

Message from the smartest human being on the flat surface of the earth who is trying to make the earth round.

The Spring, The Helmet, The Return of The Dominator

One bright sunny Saturday in Hungary, a white car with lime stripes was racing down the track. It is the Hungarian Grand Prix 2009. The driver, wanted to drive the best qualifying time to gain the highest possible spot for the following race on Sunday.

Suddenly, at turn 4, he felt a little judder. Something is strange just happened on his car. He did not know what it was but he was sure that his car handled badly from that moment. There was not enough traction at one of his wheels at the back. It couldn’t corner fast enough.

He pushed the radio button and asked his race constructor. He was told that one of his springs just bounced off from one of his suspension system.

That explains why the car wasn’t feeling good at all. A moment later, the race constructor radioed him again.

“Your spring got hit by Massa. He crashed into a tyre wall at turn 6. Yellow flags at turn 5 and 6.”

It was the Formula 1 Hungarian Grand Prix 2009 when Felipe Massa hit the spring at speed 4 seconds after the spring fell off from Barrichello’s Brawn GP car.

***

Felipe Massa was at six place timing during the second qualifying session. On the following lap, he knew he need to drive faster and improve his time. Just after racing pass turn 4, there was a spring somewhere at the end of the following straight. At high speed, the spring was small and unnoticeable. The spring was bouncing along the straight.

Massa did not know. The spring was there for only 4 seconds after it bounced off from Barrichello’s car. It seemed as though even if a car hit it at speed, the car will only have some body damage.

But at this moment, it was a freak accident. As he drove at high speed down the straight, the bouncing spring hit Massa on the left part of the helmet. The spring weighed roughly 800grams. Massa’s head was travelling at more than 200kph with the car. His head, protected by the helmet, hit the spring at that speed.

Massa’s blacked out instantaneously. He suffered a concussion. His helmet, though rigorously tested and developed, failed to protect his head. It was heavily damaged on the left side. He fainted at the wheel.  He never what happened after that.

***

Michael Schumacher was watching the replay of the crash. The commentator was telling that Massa hit the spring on his head at very high speed.

Through the replay, it showed that Massa simply fainted at the extreme force hitting his head. There was turn 5 and turn 6 as the end of the straight, a tight left turn quickly followed by a sharp right. It’s a chicane.

With Massa blacked out in that speeding car, his foot relaxed and pressed both brake and accelerator. The car went out of track, went straight pass the chicane and hit a tyre wall at the opposite end, left side of the track.

It wasn’t the direct crash into the wall that blacked out Massa. It was the spring.

Massa was flown to a nearby hospital, the military AEK hospital in Budapest by a helicopter without wasting anytime. The next race he won’t be able to participate. It was fortunate that the doctors could treat him in time. He suffered a fractured skull and brain concussion, as well as a gash on his forehead, and that he had undergone successful surgery on his injuries.

When he woke up, he did not know what happened. He could not open his left eye.

Ferrari contacted Michael Schumacher to replace Massa for the following races, but not for Hungarian Grand Prix.

After the Hungarian Grand Prix, it was confirmed that Michael Schumacher will be back at F1 racing, replacing Felipe Massa until he is fully recovered and fir to race again.

But for the time being, it is the Dominator. 7-time F1 World Champion, a record in F1 history. 91 race victories, 154 podium finishes, 115 pole positions, 1813 days of being a champion, the dominator of F1 for decades.

He has returned to F1 with a surprise. For the first time, the young champions will compete with the legend. Lewis Hamilton, youngest World Champion, Kimi Raikkonen, fastest F1 driver and world champion, Jenson Button, current F1 leader, Fernando Alonso, 2-time World Champion, Sebastian Vettel, youngest race winner and title contender.

All these fastest and talented F1 drivers are going to get the taste of scorching pace from the legend, Michael Schumacher.

F1 racing haven’t got interesting for a long long time…

What Makes a Successful Person

What makes a successful person?

Simple…a COCK.

A cock is only found on males. Most of the successful people are males. And that they have a cock.

Take a look at Joseph Stalin, the man who tore down Hitler’s regime. Successful person. Look at Obama being the first black President of the United States. Successful person. Look at Bill Gates. Successful person. Look at Zinedine Zidane the greatest footballer.  Successful person. Look at Thomas Edison who invented the light bulb and various other things. Successful person. Look at me the smartest man on the flat surface of the earth who is trying to make it round. Another successful person.

And we all have cock.

People who have cock are also sometimes known as dickheads. That is because they say we use our cocks to think. And these people are the ones who does not have a cock.

However, this is true when we found people who have cock do stupid things. Does cock has a brain? It doesn’t.

But bear this in mind: cock gives us SOUL, PASSION, FULFILMENT, ENJOYMENT and DESIRES. It was these elements that drive males towards success in their respective goals.

Therefore, if you break a cock, you break a man’s soul, passion, fulfilment, enjoyment and desire while bringing pain and hardship. No cock, no life, no success!

So, please take good care of your cock. It is your pride.

Sorry, i can’t put a picture of a (dick) cock. So i put a picture of a chicken cock.

Nothing Much but BRAINS

There’s nothing much lately. Besides the hectic work that i’m going through.

Nevermind, the smartest man on the flat surface of the earth has a lot of work to do in order to make the earth round. Great brains comes great responsibility….

Shout out from the smartest person on the flat surface of the earth who is trying to make it round….

Professionally Dumb

First, let me explain to you what is a professional. A professional is an individual who had been through training/education and is certified by members of a professional body. His/her career will also known as a profession. And a profession is a job where it involves membership of a certified and internationally recognized body. Any individual with such membership and/or certification is considered a professional.

Let’s take some examples. An engineer is a professional. He/she is a certified Ir. by the Engineering Council or any other recognized engineering professional body, you are called a professional. Same goes for accountants. For as long as you are certified by ACCA, you are a professional. Same goes for doctors. Even certain sports have their own professional body. Drivers’ Association, PGA, and Tennis.

Now that you have understand the concept of a professional. Think of which profession in the world that doesn’t require brains. Think of which professional is dumb.

Give yourself 10 minutes to think. Then, you may scroll down further to see my answer.

 

 

If you think it is a football player, YOU ARE ABSOLUTELY CORRECT! But i doubt anyone would have guessed it.

Football player is the only professional where it has a football professional association body, registered, recognized by FIFA and it’s football-ing is recognized throughout the entire world as a profession that does not require intelligence.

Football is a dumb game. A football player is professionally dumb. You can argue with me but i tell you: do you need some brains to kick a ball?

Why would 22 players, TWENTY TWO PROFESSIONAL PLAYERS, chasing for ONLY ONE BALL? Isn’t that dumb? Don’t they have anything better to do?

Let’s take some professional football players for example. Is Pele smart? No, his son is some lousy goal keeper who is also a drug addict.

Is Maradona smart? He is dumb too! His Argentinean squad lose to a side while playing at high altitude. And guess what, he was the only one in the world who strongly support playing football at higher altitude. Besides, he was also an alcoholic and drug addict.

Is David Beckham smart? No. Recently, Landon Donovan called him a tightwad and also a lousy captain who failed to show his face during extra optional training sessions at LA Galaxy. Besides, who is he to help increase Major League Soccer’s standard? Even he himself couldn’t get enough of playing level in USA and ended up loaning himself to AC Milan to level-up himself.

Cristiano Ronaldo is not smart either. He has extraordinary physical abilities but he is some cocky fellow that can’t even score a single goal in two of his Champions League finals. And yet Real Madrid is dumb enough to spend a world record 80 million pounds for that dumb professional.

But there is one exception. Zinedine Zidane is not dumb. He uses his intelligence to overcome his lack of pace and agility. That is why he is the advisor to the president of Real Madrid. Still, the president is dumb enough to spend that world record fee for Ronaldo.

Enough is criticized about this professionally dumb. Football players are mostly poor and had no chance for education. Which is why they ended up being footballers. The dumb will remain as a footballer and nowhere else, the smarter ones end up in management level in football, managing other dumb professionals.

This is a respected point of view from the smartest person on the flat surface of the earth!

Quote of The Day

Message to all:

Please be a fuck face, so that i could call you a dumb fuck.

PORN: 2nd Popular Topic After Jews

The next most common topic of conversation after talking about Jews is Porn.

When you get to know somebody new, you may not know what is his interest of topic that he is into. You can try talking about football and cars but he may not be interested in either of those. You can try talking to him about Jews but he may be an idiot who doesn’t even know that Bill Gates is a Jew.

So the next most common chat topic is about Porn. Seriously, the moment you speak of porn, you could see their eyes lit up.

As to speaking to a new guy while getting to know him, you may speak off the famed Japanese pornstar Sora Aoi. He may not know who is she but I'll bet with you he wants to know more.

It doesn’t matter who, everybody will enjoy chatting about porn. Everyone will share what kind of videos they like, which porn actress they favour and even what type of porn they prefer, be it homo or hetero.

The Germans taught little kids about sex, too.So when kids meet new kids, they sure know what to talk about to make new friends!

So the next time you meet up a new person, just raise the porn topic. You’ll enjoy chatting with each other about porn. Now, go do some homework. Watch more porn and start making NEW FRIENDS!

This is another Tip of socializing from the smartest person on the flat surface of the earth!

Dummies Guide to be a Good Manager

There are a number of things that you need to habitually do in order to become a successful manager of any company. This is some simple guidelines for dummies who wanted to be a top and effective manager.

In this post, i shall share with you some guidelines that can help you to be a good manager.

1) Shout and Scold

This is the most fundamental characteristic as a good manager. In the animal kingdom, before an animal fight starts, a duel of roars occurs to measure which is the loudest. The loudest is the most fearsome and bravest.

So when come to human application, scold and shout your people to show who is the boss. Any little mistake, scold them ‘till they’re shitless. Let them have it. Then they’ll know to bow to you. Be a man. Make the shouts!

2) Have Sex With Your Female Subordinates

This is especially effective in giving a morale boost to female subordinates. You need to give them the boost of confidence and passion.

Having sex with them is more or less like controlling them. They will listen to you like a good dog and do virtually everything for you. Beside, letting them have the ultimate sexual satisfaction gives them confidence.

3) Just Say NO

Sometimes, no, MOST of the time you have to cruel. You have to keep say no to any requests so that your subordinates won’t get a feet on you.

But there is one exception: You must always say YES when a good looking subordinate wants to have sex with you. This complies to the second tip of this guide.

These are the three magical tips form the smartest man on the FLAT surface of the earth!

Cucumber

Cucumber is a vegetable. Good for health.

Besides health, it is also the cheapest double-ended dildo you can find anywhere.

Increasing Rat Suicidal Rate

There is an increase in rat suicidal rate. You might notice that you can spot a higher number of rats and cats dying on the streets. Ever wonder why?

The reason is simple. This is due to the economic downturn.

So how does an economic downturn relates to the increase of dead rats?

Economic downturn forces multinational companies to retrench employees by millions. Millions of people have lost their jobs and only a handful of them managed to find jobs.

Even with stimulus packages being passed throughout the world, retrenched people still take time to find jobs. Companies are unwilling to spend so much to employ people.

This results them to be beggars, sleeping on the streets and, worst comes to worst, eating leftover food.

Now, you can see the competition between humans and rats competing for food. Since humans are the most superior beings on earth, rats tend to have less food. This results in increase death rate of rats by starvation and death fighting for food.

While rats are increasingly dying, it may be good news for humans. Decreasing of parasites. Cats, however, are unharmed by the decreasing numbers of cats because humans love cats. They are willing to share the food with cats.

For the people who are afraid of rats, there is something to be happy about despite the economic downturn: decreasing number of rats.

This is the expert analysis of the smartest human being on the flat surface of the earth.

Quote of The Day

If everyone is like me, the world will be a be a much better place.

Quote

I have absolutely no worries about money all the time….until I'm running out of money.

Train Thought 2

Once, in a commuter. Sitting on the seat, noticed a lady entered the commuter upon arrival at a station. Back facing, she looks hot. Thoughts flew in…

Thought: Hey lady, can you please sit beside me?

As she turn around in my direction to take her seat…

Thought: Oh MAN, please don’t sit beside me….

The Irony

When a kid fails his test...

Situation A

Parents : Oh honey it's ok, we know you tried your best, and we don't really care about your result, as long as you know you'd tried your best.

Kid : NO MOM IT'S NOT OK!! I can't fail! No I can't! I need to get straight A's or else how am I going to compete with that Bryan nerd! I need to get that scholarship! NO I MUST GO STUDY NOW! DON'T CALL ME FOR DINNER! URGH....

Situation B

Parents : WHAT??? FAIL?? Oh you're such a disgrace! Now what I have to tell the whole neighbourhood? That I have an idiot for a son??? NO! YOU'RE GROUNDED! NO TV, NO MUSIC! Unless you give me straight A's and get into that Uni or else your life is going to be hell!!

Kid : Screw the A's, I don't need them. Sorry dad but I think the whole thing about school is truely wasting my time. See ya, oh and don't call me for dinner, I'll be on my guitar before you start grounding me.


You can start pairing Nobita's Mom with Fred/George and Snow-White-Mother-version with Hermione.

Earth Day

One hot afternoon, A and B were drinking a cup of water on the sidewalk.

A: Hey, It’s Earth Day today.

B: Yeah, let’s celebrate by helping to cool the earth.

A: Good idea.

Spills the cup of water onto the ground.

Malaysian Political Mathematical Formula

Greed + Evil + Bloodsucker + Money + Politician = Sami Vellu

Money x (Greed + Evil + Bloodsucker + Womanizer + rapist + Murder) + Nissan Skyline = Vell Paari (Sami Vellu’s son)

(Evil Genius + Charismatic + intelligent + aggressive) x bold = Tun Dr. Mahathir

Highly charismatic + great talker + brainless + cocker + gay = Anwar Ibrahim

Bold x (cunning + smart) + people’s man + (womanizer)(C4 bomb) = Najib with the Altantunya bombing scandal

[(Rich / untouchable) + bloodsucker + Greed + lustful] x despised = Sami Vellu and his family

Intelligent men(women) + race unity - (some idiots)(political divide) + (money)(votes) + cock = UMNO

Intelligent men(women) + people’s people + some people with big tummies + racial welfare – (sex video)(Chua Soi Lek) = MCA

ammunition + (guns)(roses) + kinky tapes + smart men(women) – idiots = opposition

(idiots^2)(Anwar Ibrahim) + members turning away + (lies)(disappointment) = PKR

(foul mouthedness)(cock)(brainless) + leaks + monthly ‘leaks’ + smoking – intelligence = Parliament

Indians – MIC + MIC haters + rebels – weapons – money = Hindraf

 

Formula References:

men(women) = (men)(women) = Sissy

Train Thoughts

Once, in a commuter. Sitting on the seat, noticed a lady entered the commuter upon arrival at a station. Back facing, she looks hot. Thoughts flew in…

Thought: Hey lady, can you please sit beside me?

As she turn around in my direction to take her seat…

Thought: Oh lady, please don’t sit beside me….

Ashes to Glory

I must admit. I have seen one of the most fascinating event made a group of human beings. Today is the first race of the Formula 1 2009 season. We all know Formula 1 is the pinnacle of motorsport. Everyone competing in F1 are either the fittest athletes, brainiest engineers and the smartest constructors. (though not smarter than me.)

Throughout the years there had been plenty of drama, especially for the pass 3 years. We have seen how friendship cum team mate of one team broken down to become one of the worst enemies of modern time in motorsports. We have seen the largest aftermath of an espionage involving two of the best F1 teams in the world. That resulted in McLaren handling 500million Euros to the FIA as punishment, which escalated the rivalry between Lewis and Fernando. We had seen, too how what seemed to be an achievable task yet fortune fools them away from it.

But nothing is as brilliant as today in the Australian Grand Prix 2009.

More than a month ago, Honda announced a shocking news that they’ve decided to leave Formula 1 thoroughly and no longer involve in F1. That leaves the England based team without an owner, without financial backing, without an engine supplier and had no chance to test their cars. Their situation had gone from bad to worse.

Not scoring any point during the 2008 season was already bad enough. Then came along Honda’s exit, the drivers were at the brink of announcing their early retirement. The English team of nearly 700 employees were about to loose their jobs. All these during the economic crisis. How worse could it get.

4 weeks ago, just before the deadline of team registration, they  official announced that they had a new owner. They are now called the Brawn GP. Ross Brawn, former constructor for Ferrari and Prost F1, is the new owner of the team.

A week later, they unveiled their new car, white with yellow stripes powered by a Mercedes engine. Despite the financial crunch and the lack of testing, they topped the time sheets during the first official test session organized by FIA. The same sheet-topping timings were obtained in the second test session a week later.

That was astonishing feat. Not long ago they were at the brink of  dismembering. Suddenly, they became the largest threat in the toughest motorsport league. There was light at the end of tunnel for them.

Saturday at about 4pm Australian time, the qualifying session was dominated by the Brawn GP cars. Jenson Button and Rubens Barrichello were placed 1st and 2nd of the grid. That alone had sent chills to the opponents and delight to its owner and new found sponsor, Virgin Group. Virgin Group has just signed the deal a night before the qualifying session.

Today, the race was expected to be intense. The two Brawn GP at the front are expected to seize this opportunity to carve out the first win for the team.

2 hours later, everyone at Brawn GP celebrated their first 1-2 victory in their lives. 4 weeks ago, all their plans had been put on hold due to the exit of their owner, Honda. The future seemed pitch black for  everyone in the team. It seemed as to be a hopeless future.

Today, it was a maiden victory. A classic story of a team that risen from the ashes. Of what seemed to be a bleak future, they carved themselves a future of fortune.

Ross Brawn had earned himself a reputation, a legend. He, the man who crafted the success of Michael Schumacher and Ferrari, came and performed his Midas’ touch, turning the ash into glory. A  dominating victory that even Ferrari and McLaren unable to challenge. A truly celebrated man he is now.

This event touched me a little. A series of unfortunate events had made them stronger and thanks to Ross Brawn, they have find their long lost fortune. I must say this is the best show on earth. Even reality shows such as American Idol, Big Brother and not even Amazing Race can match this symbolic event.

The true grit and faith made me think and realize that what I saw this afternoon is what is known as the human will power, the spirit of ‘never say die’.

Absolutely brilliant.

Do You Know How To Say ‘NO’?

A: Can i hit you in the head?

B: NO…

A: You said yes…i’m gonna hit you!

B: NO!! I said NO!

A: You said YES.

B: I said NO!

A: you said YES.

B: I’VE SAID NO~~~~!! Do you know how to spell N, O, NO! Do you know how to say ‘NO’?! Do you know how to listen ‘NO’!!!

A:………no

True Colours of Colour

This seems to be black colour. But it’s NOT. The truth behind this ‘black’ colour is actually WHITE colour. Try take a light and shine on it. It will show it’s true colour, WHITE.

 

This seems to be white colour. But it’s NOT. The truth behind this ‘white’ colour is actually BLACK colour. When you switch of the lights it will become black.

 

So, colours can lie. You need to investigate the true colour behind the colour.

 

To relate this case, black people are actually white people. The Africans and Indians are not black people. They are actually white people. We cannot call them black people because when they are under the sun shine or being shine by light, you can see traces of white.

 

On the other hand, white people, which is the more dominant race, aren’t white people. They are actually black people. We cannot call them white people because when there is no light, they are thoroughly black. So, we should call them black people instead.

 

I am smarter than an apple. Therefore i am the smartest man on the flat surface of the earth.

The Powers of Sex

There have been people asking me about my obsession with Sex. So many of my posts are touching the Sex topic. Why? Are you guys still very taboo with it? Or is it a very powerful activity that strikes the conscience of you readers of an apple brain? An attention grabber for the lay-apple-men sake you may realize.

 

You see, I am not obsessed with sex. I’m not a maniac. Sex is boring. However, after been through so much study and observation, i realize that sex is an ‘obsession’ with you readers, ‘MANIAC’. I realized that the sex topic is a very powerful, too.

 

Let’s take Malaysian politicians for instance. We pay the taxes for politicians to address and discuss about our problems in the Parliament. Instead, all we heard on Live telecast was loads of sex themed words. You can hear words like ‘bocor’ or ‘leaking’ and other sexist remarks that would come out from their sorry wise looking cunt faces. Those are the words that would strike the intensity and up the heat.

 

Now, we look at other instances. FUCK YOU. A very revoking word. You could feel the insult of the word. The word fuck should be replaced with ‘intercourse’ as i have mentioned in this post. It’s a very beautiful word It can be used in many ways and it doesn’t matter in what way it is being used, it will have its profound effect to the listener. Now I’m ‘complimenting’ you, you are INTERCOURSINGLY UGLY.

 

You see, Sex is a very attractive and powerful message carrier. People can use it to carry out their messages with upmost effect. For example, I want to say that you are an idiot. I would say you are a dickhead. Calling you an idiot, you can chose to ignore it thoroughly. But calling you a dickhead, you can somehow feel your guts kicking, eager to fuck me up and tie me up on my bed so that you can drip some hot wax all over. I won’t get horny with that. But please, i’m not a gay.

 

On top of that, Sex is very interesting. Who won’t have the urge to know about, try it, and indulge into Sex? When you eavesdrop at your colleagues talking about  the girls that they intercourse with, you will have the urge to know about and indulge into the fantasies no matter how well brought up you are. You will think about how you gonna sex your partner up even if you believe in sex after marriage. Sex is overwhelming. That’s how sex crimes come about.

 

I must praise the prostitution profession. It is the oldest occupation in the world. It is also one of the most profitable jobs in the world. It will guarantee you a lot of pay, given that you are not ill-treated by your employer like the prostitutes in India.

 

So, believe into sex. It gives you pleasure, gives you power, gives you urge that you can’t resist, gives you satisfaction and enjoyment, gives you power and most of all, gives you lots of profit.

Sex rules.

I am the smartest person on the flat surface of the earth.

Career Saving Tips: How to Avoid Retrenchment

During this period of global economic meltdown period, billions of people around the world are facing the risk of losing their jobs as a result of a job-cut by multi-national corporations. Sony corporations has initiate thousands of job-cut and that doesn't excludes Microsoft.

Seeing this situation as a serious life problem, I decided to give a few tips on how to keep your job safe and even get a promotion.

Have Sex With Your Boss

This is a very direct approach to keep your job safe and providing opportunity to get a promotion. This simple approach has been proven to work every time and anywhere. The concept behind this is to give your boss a really good treat to have a really impression on you.

For the ladies, it doesn't matter it's a male boss or a female boss. It works for both gender. The ladies will have an extra advantage to get your bosses to have sex with you.

For a male boss, it's very easy to get him sexed because men are dickheads and they think with their dick. So, a simple seduction or teases will get the male bosses work up and wanting for sex. Do the teasing business throughout the working hour and eat with your boss during lunch-time. Then, get him to stay after working hours citing reasons of “Needing his assistance” or “mentor-slave thing”. That is when you get to have sex with him. I can guarantee you that you won't be in his short-list of job-cut.

To do a female boss, it's much more easier than the males. Of course, you can optionally use the strategies of seducing a male boss. Otherwise, you can cut the crap and just sex your female boss at her own home. Since both are ladies, there's no harm for a female employee to visit the female boss' house or vice versa given that the house has nobody else. Ladies would understand ladies better and ladies are little more in need for it. So it will be easier. Try talk them over and just bang. I'm sure your female boss would love it in the end even it's the first time they had a homo sex. It's also more beneficial for the long run. Your female boss will take good care of you at all times.

Now if you are a male and if you are lucky or gay, you can have sex with your boss as well. If it happens that your boss is a female, you do the usual tricks to get her to bed with you (or on the office table). If your boss is a male, you better make sure that he is a gay. Then, you can sacrifice yourself and sex him up. Who knows he might give you a share of his company.... Lucrative.

For those who are not gay, don't worry. I show you my next tip.

Have Sex With Your Boss' Wife

This is generally effective given that you know your boss' wife and that you get a chance to contact her. So, this first step of approach will be the most challenging part: Getting her contact and getting to know each other.

So guys, work the first step hard and the following tracks will be as easy as it goes.

Once you have gotten her contact and getting her to notice you, keep her as her friend then work on the relation a step at a time. It is not advisable to go straight into seducing her for sex because the chances of getting a good impression is low. Unless your boss' wife is the slutty type, then don't waste time getting a friendship with her.

While maintaining a friendship with her, you always make sure you are at her side at all times. When she needs a friend, you must be the first one there. Then, work a little bit more aggressive to push the relationship a little further into platonic zone. You need to be quick before you lost your job, but not too rush until she gets scared.

When the relationship reaches platonic phase, it's time to strike the chord and get an affair or get straight to bed with her. You might think this whole approach is hideous, but you must understand that you are a male and you need to work harder to keep your job.

This whole process will give to effects. One: giving her a really good impression as a friend and that she will tell her husband (your boss) about the good potential you have and keep you from getting booted. Second: you open a big door towards promotions and eventually owning the whole company, that is if you are smart and bold enough.

If you only want to benefit the first one, then stay being a friend to her. If you want to go further in your career, have sex with her.

Have Sex With Your Boss' Eldest Single Daughter

This approach is very safe. It doesn't matter how old is the elder daughter as long as it's your boss' elder daughter. Why elder daughter? This is because when the eldest of the daughter who is still single, she'll be itching to have one. The father will also be very eager for his daughter get married soon. Which doesn't father doesn't wish to have his daughter married to a nice guy as soon as she is ready.

On this basis, check your boss' family tree. Bump into your boss' daughter and get her contacts. This trick is common to all men so I don't have to explain how to woo a girl. All you have to do is to know the single daughter of your boss' then make sure that she is old enough to have a steady relationship. You need to sex her and marry to get her dying for you.

In this approach, there are two tracks for you to choose. First is to be a good boy and treat her very to convince that you are in a serious and steady relationship with her. Her father won't fire you because you are a good boy and that you are his daughter's future husband cum caretaker. The second is to be a little nasty. Sex her first and get her pregnant. In this case, even if her father (your boss) don't like you, he is forced to accept you because she has your child and his grandson.

It may sound the easiest way to keep your job but the catch is that you have to be lucky your boss have a daughter and she is old enough for you. Never mind if she already have a boyfriend. You can snatch her to you. Think of you career. You have to do it!

In a Nutshell

There is no other way to avoid retrenchment. Even if you are a good performer or the most talented smart-ass of the office floor, it won't guarantee you your job. The global recession times will force job-cutting on layer basis.

Horny Zombie

In a very peaceful town, there is a mad scientist working in his underground lab.

Mad Scientist: AAAHAHAHAHAHA!!! It's a success. IT'S A SUCCESS!!! My H-Virus is finally complete.....Now... To test it on me...

The Mad Scientist injects the H-Virus into his body and he morhped into a ZOMBIE.

Zombie: *breathing heavily* Buahaha....I've become a zombie.

The zombie roam the streets, scarring all the people in streets. The men and ladies try to run for their lives.

Everybody: RUN! RUN! RUNE FOR YOUR LIVES! THERE'S A ZOMBIE HUNTING FOR BRAINS AND BOOBS! RUN!!!!

Suddenly....

Zombie: Oh no! My dick stood up. I think i'm HORNY! Need sex....Need sex....Need sex....Need sex....

All Girls: AAAARRGHHHH!!! The zombie has become horny and gonna sex us up!!!! YAY!!! YAY!!! YAY!!! Com'on baby...!!!

Gay: Does he do gay?


*end*

Sadism

In a kitchen, suddenly came a monster and scared a chef...

Monster: Fee Foh Fuh~~ I smell food...

Chef: AAAARRRgh~~ Please! Please don't harm me.... I beg for you mercy.... Please! I'll cook for you anything but don't make me suffer... I beg for mercy....

Monster: Fee Foh Fuh~~ You shall cook for me something nice! Or else.... you shall SUFFER!

Chef: Yes! Yes i will.....

The Chef then cooked a really nice dish for the Monster...

Monster: Hmm.....Fee Foh *burp* Fuh~~ Your dish is very very nice! BUT YOU SHALL SUFFER!!!!

Chef: But why?! Why must i suffer? I beg for mercy! I cooked a very nice dish for you!

Monster: I'm asking for NICE food, not 'VERY NICE' food! Fee Foh Fuh~~ SUFFER!!!!!

Chef: NO~~~~~~~~~~~~~~!


*end*

The Zoo of The Dead (Zombie Horror)

A BIG truck loaded FULL of radioactive waste was once driving along a road when a cat runs across its path. The truck hit cat with a bang and the driver swerves off the road, smashes past a natural ramp, and into a massive zoo packed with People and Animals. The people there have no idea what happened when the Big Truck crashed into it and the waste leaked out, which killed or contaminated the helpess people and animals.

Four hours later, nothing can be heard from the zoo. The place is sealed and an area two kilometres radius around the zoo is quarantined.

Hours later, confused by the silence, the military sends in a Hazmat team. The team consists of FIVE highly trained specialists with a lot of experience with radioactive substances and, of course, guns. (What kind of special ops fella doesn't know how to use a gun?) Delivered into the site by a truck, they gear themselves up with pistols, SMGs, shotguns, Geiger counters (classic for all stories involving radioactive stuff), and a crowbar, just in case one of them needs to do the Gordon Freeman thing...(Half-Life game fans should know) They blow a part of the surrounding wall, which will later serve as an exit point, and step into the place.

At first glance, it looks as though the place is deserted, as the usual cheerful zoo had suddenly turned dark and gloomy. Another notable thing is that the Geiger counters started going haywire as soon as they broke the wall; something unexpected as radiation passes the rather thin concrete wall as easily as light passing through air.

Treading carefully in their radiation suits, they ready their UMP.45s and make their way toward one of the buildings. (I'm bad with names so the squad members will be named Dude 1, Dude 2, Dude 3, Dude 4, and Gal 1, as one of them is female; a staple for any zombie horror story) Dude 1 kicks open the door after finding it locked, and the five rush in to clear the area.

Inside the room, they find that it is quite empty, apart from a few corpses and some junk stuff. Dude 3, who had a lot of experience with dead bodies, examined them and concluded that they died after being beaten up really badly by something no one knew at the moment. They radio their find to their commander, who notifies them that a UAV sweep of the area confirmed that the leaking waste caused horrible mutations to all living things that survived the contamination, which explains the faint weird noises heard occasionally. Dude 2 swears, as he was not very good with guns, compared to his fellow operatives.
Moving on, they search the other levels, finding nothing but more corpses and dead animals. Before being alerted by their leader that there's a mutated gorrila which he calls a Karate Gorrila. Dude 3 was amused: "Karate gorrila? karate my ass!" Suddenly, the door behind them bursts off their hinges and Karate Gorrila roars into the room, completely unaffected by the rounds being pumped from the suprised team's UMPs. The massive gorrila roars again and charges towards a screaming Dude 3, who drops his UMP and pulls out his 20-gauge shotgun and shoots it in the face, before being knocked over and split into two after Karate-ed his ass by the deranged monster. Freaking out, the team escapes the building and and scattered from the ambush. Dude 1 radioss everyone to meet up at the place where the truck crashed, collecting samples and information along the way.

The last the team hears of Dude 1 is when his radio goes haywire with gunshots, wails, moans, and all sorts of unearthly voices before the radio dies out and Dude 1 stops responding.

Dude 2 moves along a silent corridor, his reflexes on superspeed after being ambushed by another horrible big gorrila and a number of zombies, all of them who are horribly deformed. After killing zombie after zombie, Dude 2 is convinced that the mutations are making them tougher, as he can swear that he just emptied a full magazine of bullets into a zombie's head and still failing to kill it. Now armed with only his shotgun, which only has 5 shells left, and his Five-seveN, with five clips of armor-piercing rounds remaining, he opens a door and is greeted by five more Mutated Zombies. Dude 2 successfully kills them, using up his shotgun shells and 45 5.7mm Five-seveN rounds. To his relief, the room turns out to be a security office, and the place is full of shotgun ammo. Gratefully loading 8 shells into his Benelli M4 semi-auto shotgun and trading his empty UMP for room for 48 additional shells. Now fully armed with his shotgun and at least 200 shells at his disposal, Dude2 moves on, mowing down zombies by the dozens and quickly using up his supply of ammo.

After fighting off a particularly large wave of zombies at the truck crash site, the reloading Dude 2 is warned by the commander that there's a Laser Parrot with horrible laser eyes. Laughing at what appeared to be a joke, Dude 2 is caught completely off-guard when a monkey, Surgery Chimp drops off a vent and hurls a razor sharp knife at the back of his head, killing him instantly.

Now with three men dead, Dude 4 and Gal 1 moves towards their objective, with hardly any bullets left. Just before catching up with Gal 1, Dude 4 stumbled across bodies of a few soldiers. Confused, he radios out his finding, swapped his SPAS-12 for a G36 assault rifle, and moves on.

The G36 turns out to be a really fun weapon for Dude 4. Using just 30 rounds, Dude 4 managed to down two dozen zombies and managed to temporarily incapacitate Mutated Gorrila with a well placed shot to the knee. Now moving along with Gal 1, they found themselves talking about the situation...

Dude4: This really looks like some horror movie or something. You watch them?

Gal1: I only watched one, from there I knew one thing; If you wanna survive a horror movie, NO SEX.

Dude4: Aww, come on. I feel like it already!

Gal1: Okay. For once, let's give in to something more primitive.

After one REALLY wild making out session...

Gal1: You know, we shouldn't have taken off our gas masks, the smell's getting to me.

Dude4: *lying on the table* yeah.... do you think we should check the vents-- *spots a corpse right above him* BLOODY HELL!!!

The corpse is not another corpse. After being killed brutally by Surgery Chimp, Dude 2 was dragged up along the vents, cut up really nicely by the chimp, and dumped down at Dude4, who yells out in horror. Right at that moment, Laser Parrot flies in and unleashed a massive laser beam, killing Gal1. Just before dying, Gal1 managed to land a 9mm round into the parrot's head, causing it to burst. Dude4 has survived because he is shielded by Dude2's bloody corpse, which is now barely identifiable as a human figure. Now with nothing to fight for other than his own survival, Dude4 salvages whatever guns and ammo he can find in the room, and makes a mental-list of everything he has:

Weapons:
1. Glock 18 9mm silenced with 52 bullets remaining
2. Five-seveN 5.7mm with 21 bullets remaining
3. Colt. M1911 45.ACP without any bullets
4. MP5-SD 9mm with 136 bullets left
5. UMP .45 with 12 shots remaining
6. G36 5.56mm with only one bullet left
7. Benelli M4 Super 90 12 gauge with 4 shells
8. 4 Molotovs
9. 3 Frag Grenades
10. Incendiaries
11. Flashbangs (completely useless)
12. 5 Knives with varying features

Gear:
1. 4 Kevlar vests (just in case)
2. helmet
3. the usual stuff (Undise, socks, shoes, pants, etc.)
4. Medkit
a. 3 shots of morphine
b. lots of bandages and things I don't know
5. Some water and MRE (Meals Ready to Eat)
6. Pizza!!!
7. Beer!!!
8. A nice keychain (giftshops rule!)
9. My hands (They're some REAL weapons!)

Like everyone'll say, it's a list WAY too long for anyone's liking. But then again, if you don't keep track of what you have, you can't come up with good tactics. Anyway, on his way out, Dude4 passes another squad of dead soldiers, and picks up a M249 SAW machine gun, with 100 FULL AMMO! Cheering madly, Dude4 attracts a group of zombies, which is easily dealt with the SAW. Half running, Dude4 passes a playground and see a group of zombies fight with Karate Gorrila. Dude4 gets an idea: "Karate Gorrila, karate all the zombies in this place!!!", and the gorrila sets off to work, hunting down and splitting every zombie in half. Dude4 follows it quietly, silently cheering as the gorrila mows down a path for him. After killing about 300 zombies, the gorrila suddenly falls on its front. To Dude4's horror, the gorrila is kiled by a scalpel from Surgery Chimp! The chimp sees him and leers malevolently, jumping out of sight as soon as Dude4 squeezes the trigger on his MP5. Dude4 glances around him, and realizes he is actually around a fountain, which now serves as an arena for a showdown between him and a chimp. The chimp strikes again from nowhere, breaking the suppressor on his MP5 and making it useless. Without any time to think, Dude4 throws away his MP5 and switches to his shotgun, ready to burp out death at the demented chimp. Another knife flies out from nowhere, richocheting off Dude4's helmet and lodging itself at the fountain. Feeling as though a flashbang just went off near him, Dude4 pulls out one of them from his pocket. Hoping he was lucky, he pulled the pin, threw it as high as he can, shut his eyes and ears, and crouches down. A deafening bang follows, and Dude4 quickly gets up and starts shooting. The chimp, with its mutated brain hearing the shots, assumed that its prey has just stunned itself. jumping out of nowhere and landing in front of Dude4, it suddenly regretted showing itself like that. Before it could do anything else, the chimp got killed by a single bullet from Dude4's G36. Discarding the rifle, Dude4 pulls out his Five-seveN and moves on.

Nearing the exit point, Dude4 overhears a horrifying exchange from a receiver: a chopper armed with an experimental warhead will reach the zoo in less than 30 seconds, and that the whole place will be destroyed. Dropping his guns, Dude4 makes a wild dash towards the exit point, but before he could get to it, his vision flashes a brilliant white light and his ears pick up a massive roar of a massive explosion. Without immediately knowing, the warhead had been delivered ahead of schedule, and he's being propelled by the shockwave away from the zoo, towards a nearby building...
TO BE CONTINUED...?